I was 80 percent done with this really cool and fun-to-write craft-project/engineering blog post, with tons of photos and step-by-step instructions. You came so close to seeing it in this space, instead of the post you're reading now. And then, something key to the idea didn't work, and the whole idea went to hell.
Trying to find some sort of something to post here, I looked in my files for half-completed abandoned posts that I didn't publish at an earlier time for whatever reason. But then I realized they're really more for the winter holidays. And I should save them, because I'm sure I'll need them then, too, because I always get sick around the holidays.
And then, before I knew it, I found myself Googling how to treat all the bacteria and fungi that are apparently causing Crohn's this whole time and we didn't know about it till the Internet shouted in our faces about it a week or so ago.
I'm trying to post things about cool tricks and inventions to get excited about if you have Crohn's. But in reality, I'm pretty discouraged. I know my Crohn's is flaring harder and harder by the day, and I'm going to have to switch to a newer and scarier medication(s) really soon. I'm about to fly across the country to get a second opinion about which one(s) to try first, and I'm realizing I'm scared about how high I've pinned my hopes onto this doctor I've never met, this doctor I heard interviewed on NPR and seemed so authoritative and reassuring.
That's nice that it's preliminary and may one day lead to possible treatments for Crohn's, but I may one day punch you in the face. Some of us need something today. So shut up till you've got it.
It makes me angry when I see these headlines about the "cause of Crohn's found," because I just know I'm gonna go to the doctor with a list of the antibiotics and antifungals that these microbes are sensitive to, and ask, "Can't we just throw the whole medicine cabinet at these f***ers all at once?" That's nice that the scientists are cautioning that this is only a preliminary indication that may one day lead to possible treatments for Crohn's, but I may one day punch you in the face. Some of us need something today. So shut up till you've got it.
If I'm being honest, I haven't even read the study, or even an entire article about it. Why am I writing about an article I have not fully read? It reminds me of Amy Schumer's excellent account (in her fantastic book, "The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo") of her dad being afraid to hope that innovative stem cell therapy would help control or reverse his MS. About your cause or your cure -- I don't want to read it till it's done. I don't want to see the "CROHN'S WAR OVER!" headline until it's for real, if Crohn's actually just got elected president.
I don't want to see the "CROHN'S WAR OVER!" headline until it's for real, if Crohn's actually just got elected president.
And me having to shelve my cool post just hit me harder because it's reminiscent of all the other cool things I've had to shelve, because I'm sick -- going on overseas trips, running 5Ks, going on life-changing nature hikes, starting school, eating desserts, drinking beer, joining the Peace Corps, joining the military, pregnancy, home-buying, paying off credit cards, sailing in a regatta, becoming an astronaut. I'll admit, one or two of those things I actually don't care about doing and I just threw them in there to throw you off. I'll let you guess which ones (hint: I actually am really pissed about not getting to be an astronaut).
But what I also have to admit is that I'm not the only one who has it hard. I'm not alone, and things do usually get better. And even when they don't, I'm capable of still being happy -- really happy. Except for when I'm trying to shove a green blob into the back of a sedan (I'm keeping that story under wraps, because I know that, eventually, I will finish that really cool post I had planned for today).